Not in my job title...

I think, not long ago, when writing about my job and what i do i explained that there were things expected of me that were necesarily in my job title. And not just that, but things that were as foreign to me as frostbite to a Sri Lankan. This week has been a lesson and a trial in patience and pushing general knowledge and common sence to its boundaries.

The following are phrases and very short snatches of conversations iv had this week:

"How are you with rats Tim? The cat next door just mauled one and im not sure how much is left, but could you....do something with it?" -This older matronly lady said this with a look on her pinched face like "step on it, bin it, do what you like with it as long as its gone". Perhaps luckily, there was only a head left in the middle of the basement. Which leads to my next pearler...

"Tim, do you know how to cut carpet??" - As a matter of fact, i do. I spent a a summer laying carpet when i was 16 and knew all she would need wa s a stanley knife...the look on her face said "jees, a knife... and it will be heavy.." This lady, part of our collections team, put on a bright smile that told me i was coming with her, saddle up!

"Is that concrete slab all the way through or just a thin topping?" - It was made in the 1880's! I dont know! Nobodies knows! Thats why were hired you, the engineer! Followed closely by:

"Can you dig a hole?" - ........ Just because i dont have a crystal ball to see the past, doesnt mean im the mental equivilent of a paramecium.

"How much can they ute pull?
(my reply) Probably about 1 and a half tonne.
"How much is that?"
"...1500 kilos."
"So itl do it?"
"Do what?"
"Tow a horse float."
"...sure. Why not."

How heavy is the damn horse? How heavy is the float?? Is a shetland? A clydesdale? A foal? Iv ridden a horse twice in my life, how do i know?

"Why dont we let cars come up the drive way here?"
"Well, because of the pedestrians, mainly children and old people, and the wheelchairs for one, but also because they compaction WILL kill all the trees running the length of the drive (100 metres) and those are 100 year old oaks. That would be a shame."
"Surely not."
"Yeah, the compaction will kill them. 5 years, they'lll die. 10 max."
"Surely not.
".........."

- This was the worst. This was my field, my area, part of the reason i work there! Why even ask?! If you dont want a real answer just make it up in your head. Also, what about the people??

(this is me) "Hi, was was wondering how much new barings cost for my car?"
(service station) " What sort of car is it?"
"A late 80's bmw."
"Right...i dunno."
"Ok, could you give me a ballpark?"
"Well, not really..."
"How much is the part worth?"
"I couldnt say really... probably around a hundred or so."
Ok, and how long would it take you?"
"Maybe an hour..?"
"So, it would be maybe 150-170?"
"Yeah, about that."

As the bewildered Irishman who was band from swearing once said -Jesus Mary and Joseph!!
Part + labour = the end fracken price!!

Most of these incidents turned out to be light hearted and funny, but some induced a tight-smiled effect of holding ones composer til the idiot passed and eye-rolling and fist-clenchingly walking away.